I had just finished eating my leftover pasta & veggies for lunch this afternoon when Dan came by for his daily visit. Now, these are generally casual non-committal conversations; we tend to stay away from the really serious subjects. Yesterday, for example, we spoke at length about how he was going to design a lighting concept for his church (complete with pencil-drawn visual aids). That said, this afternoon started out fairly typical:
Julie Ann and Jessica are planning a mini audition tour to St. Louis and Chicago, and Dan was wondering if Ben would still be in St. Louis, hoping to maybe crash at his place. This led—almost directly—to Dan asking what my family thinks of him. “You sure you want to get into this now?” I inquired with a wry smile, getting up to shut my office door. “I’ve got all afternoon,” he said, and we continued. He remembered Sarah seeming impatient with him when we played Halo2 together (but he admitted that could just have been his playing), so he was wondering if they all think he’s a bastard or what. I told him I think they all have reservations about/think it’s weird that we’re friends again, but that my Mom has always liked him and Vinnie is the only one who has expressed a discomfort with him.
Over the course of the next hour, we talked about how in general people on the outside of breakups get a skewed view of things, especially if they’re in a different city (using his view of his sister’s break-up last fall as an example), and how ironic it was that Vinnie would be so anti-Dan now after having played such a big part in us getting together. It probably didn’t help that he cut off contact with Vinnie and Sarah when we broke up, he added (which I thought was for the best, what with the “he’s lame,” “he sucks,” and “you should punch him in the face” comments I got from them). He told me how impressed he was at how I handled the break-up, that I never called and bitched him out or talked him down around the studio; he said I was very mature about the whole thing. He also told me I am a completely different person (in a good way, he said) than I was when we first knew each other my intern year—that I’m so much more laid back now (is there any better compliment for a stage manager a week away from opening a 4-act, 2-and-a-half-hour ballet, and who has no idea where she’s going to be living or how she's going to pay her rent next month, or what she’s doing with her life?).
And for what it’s worth, my intuition with him was right on. I asked (indirectly) why I had to be the one to point out that he just wanted to be friends, why he couldn’t have just broken up with me, and he looked at me and said, “I didn’t want to hurt you,” like it was the most difficult thing he’d ever had to say in his entire life. And he said he had intended to be single for a while, that he had not planned to get together with Jessica or anyone so soon.
I had been composing an apology in the back of my mind for the past two weeks (now that we’re okay) for taking so long to realize I couldn't be just friends right away, for not talking to him for 2 months, etc. I figured, if we were okay, that he’d already accepted my unspoken apology, but I didn’t want to take it for granted, so I took this opportunity—since we had opened that can of worms anyway—to say I was sorry, and he asked what for? I stared at the floor. “Everything. December? I don’t know.” “You were just looking out for yourself. You did what you had to do.” See? See??? That is why we’re able to be friends. Such understanding! He’s really not a bad guy; he never meant to hurt me; he was not abusive; and he didn’t cheat on me. We just weren’t meant to be together, and we tried to be friends before I was ready. That’s really all there is to it. And all that we went through together has made our bond of friendship that much stronger.
There was no big moment, no new discovery, and no tears, but the conversation left me emotionally drained and wanting to have a good cry. The overwhelming feeling right now is relief; I think we both already knew we were okay as friends again, but this was the first time we’d spoken about the relationship or the break-up, and I guess I’m relieved that we’re comfortable enough (and that we trust each other enough) to be that honest. There’re still things he doesn’t really want to talk about with me, and he added that I probably don’t want to hear about them either. I agreed, but contested that even though that may be the case, I am his friend and if he needs me, I will listen.
I’m not sure I would call this “key” or that the "power struggle" or "balance" apply, but the last part of my daily horoscope from News-Leader.com is certainly appropriate today:
“A key relationship is going through a power struggle and in need of balance. Camus wrote: "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend."”
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