Half-Empty

I'll preface this by saying I have taken care not to link this blog with any of my other online profiles.  I try to remain fairly anonymous, and I keep this blog unlisted from the Blogger directories.  However, some of my family and close friends have the address, and while I write this for myself, they are the only additional intended audience.  I am also going to be very vague about where I work.  I do not in any official way wish for this to reflect poorly on my employer as an organization or on my supervisors as individuals.  This is about me.  Let's begin.

Lately, I haven't been feeling like the glass half-full person I thought I was.  I haven't been able to or made time to do things that used to make me happy, and I remembered that blogging used to make me feel good about myself, so I thought I'd write this, purely for selfish reasons.  Then again, blogging is rather an entirely selfish past time, so I supposed I don't have to feel too bad about myself for being self-indulgent here.

I'm not sure where to begin because it seems to have been going on for as long as I can remember.

I'm not sure what to include because I'm not generally one to air my dirty laundry for the public to see.  Here goes:

In recent months, I haven't felt the same level of job satisfaction to which I'd become accustomed throughout the entirety of my working life for the past 18 years.  It was minimal at first, but it increased over time.  For about a year, off and on and with increasing frequency and intensity, I have been doubting myself, my job, my career, my location, my priorities, and my life choices.

I am fortunate to have such supportive parents who listen to me complain (almost daily) about circumstances both in and out of my control.  More and more, it feels like I have lost control of my life and the things that matter to me.  It feels like I made the wrong choices and am in the wrong place.

This is particularly hard to stomach after January's bit of zen when the website with the mantras taught me "I am exactly where I need to be."

Like most Americans, I don't believe this could be entirely my fault or unique to me, so I've been idly Googling things like "Is there such a thing as a 1/3 life crisis?" and "Is it true that Generation X is the first generation worse off than their parents since the Great Depression?"  The results make me feel included but still like a failure.

I am not someone accustomed to failure, so this has been difficult for me to handle.  I am not someone who is generally unhappy, so this has been a challenge to navigate.  And frankly, it doesn't matter if everyone else is having a crisis and less wealthy than their parents, too.  What seems to matter the most is that I am incredibly overwhelmed, and even the advice and assistance I'm getting from my close friends and family, divisional and state-level HR departments, and a professional counselor does not seem to be helping.

For the first time in my life (that's hyperbole, I'm sure, but I honestly can't remember any), I feel powerless to either solve the specific and general challenges in my life or remove myself from these challenges (i.e. this work situation).  I started reading self-help books.

I suppose one way to sum it up would be to say I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Am I a different person from the one who moved here a few years ago?  Was I actually satisfied with this job at first because I was misled?  Did I enjoy it at the beginning because it was new and therefore exciting?  Or did I just run out of energy pretending to enjoy a job I settled for in a difficult economy?  Do I still believe the performing arts are a worthwhile industry?  Am I no longer satisfied by the artistic, non-compensation package rewards that used to give my job/career/life purpose?  Am I just no longer interested in working the hours required for my chosen career path?

If I think the end result will eventually include me leaving this job, how much of a squeaky wheel whistleblower should I be with regard to helping make it a better place for my coworkers and my successor?

And when will the glass be half full again?